Finding Me Again

 "LEARNING TO BE..."

Meeting new people can be exhausting, we tend to change and adapt to the new environment, new people, and new personalities. Sometimes, when we have low self-esteem we find ourselves becoming different people from who people back at home know. 

When my wife and I met, I started to notice that I was becoming different. Yes! love was the number one motivator. However, because of how beautiful my wife is, I found myself conflicted. I found myself trying to become the version of a boyfriend that she always wanted, instead of showing off who I truly am, I started to become a man I didn't know.

Some people consider it growth when you adapt and change, yet sometimes just learning to be yourself can be the one thing you need. For instance, it is you heart, your passion, and hard work that got you the job you wanted. If you change and become whatever they want you to be, instead of being successful you will be depressed.

While we were dating, I noticed that I have changed and I started to be honest with myself. Every time I would be with my wife I would tell her about my family, my exes, my friends and where I come from, so that she can know that if she were to marry me, she would be marrying a man with many positives and negatives.

When we got married, without her saying anything, I started to feel  like I am not enough and not doing enough. I started to feel like I don't deserve this wife, this child, this new beginning. That's when I started to look for things that would make me feel like I deserve this life and things that would make me feel like a man.

I started to make mistakes, sometimes disappointed my wife. As time went by I decided since I am the problem, my confidence, my attitude towards this new life, I choose to go back to what drove me. Though I know in my heart that going back can't help me to become what I need to be, I knew that if I can relearn to be me, there I would find what I lost.

There are so many men and women who are like me, who are gong through that imposter syndrome and forget who they truly are in their new journeys. They tend to become suicidal and feel like their lives are not worth living, sometimes even feel like people around them will survive and find happiness without them there. 

My encouragement is thus, learn to be. I am currently on a journey of learning to be me again. Though my wife does not know the journey I am on now but I am sure she will see a different person in me soon.