Everything…

Replay Pain

The casket started coming up, out of the ground, my brother moving back the tip of the whole, as I looked around people's tears began to go up back in the eyes of the people. My father's hand moved from my brother's shoulder quieter and quieter it got, the people who were handling the service wearing blue clothes held on the casket slowly and started moving back to the car packing the casket back in the hash nicely and closing the door. I watched the car driving back to the house as the weather got cooler and cooler.

 Minutes later we started moving back slowly while our eyes are fixed on the whole. Moving back all I could hear were people's footsteps on that dry summer day. The car door opens, I jumped back in the car with a smile, while my father was wiping off his tears, my brother irritated by the joy and smile on my face thinking to himself 'oh how clueless he is...' pulls me in the car. 

Pain wonders around the hearts of my family members while I was simultaneously swinging back and forth my feet. Happy I was, while the car was moving and I was looking outside and waving to other cars. Slowly the car was moving back home, click-click, click-click the hazards kept going, the smell of smoke outside making the situation worse. 

The car parks near my house, no gate the sun coming out, the street full of dust, the huge yard with a two-room house. Next thing I know we are walking slowly backward behind the casket while the choir was singing sad slow songs, my grandmother crying loudly. Scared 6 year old confused and not knowing what is happening went into his father's arms. We set down and the preacher began to preach.

+++

A couple of days before we went to visit her in the hospital. I was joyful and she was happy to see me. I ate her food and I set on her bed with her, she looked very healthy. She looked happy, she was excited to see us. it was exciting to see her it was exciting to be in her presence to feel the presence of a mother again, though she could not stand up and play with me, yet I got to feel her love and see her smile. Yet that made no difference. A day later, ring, ring I answered the phone and gave it to my brother. A few seconds later people started crying, louder and louder it got, 'what is the problem' i asked, 'it's your birthday they said. It was the most joyful day of my life, but when I walked out it was dim, like the clouds gathered instantly.

Years later I started hating school, I started seeing social workers and pastors because when she died I was in primary. She left a big hole in my life, she made me feel like a failure, she made me feel like I will never be better, she made me feel like my life is a ticking bomb waiting to go and die. I never became normal because of one person who was never there. 

I live every day with that thought or memory hoping and wishing that it will stop and I will live for eternity with that joy that I had when I visited my mother at the hospital so that I may be happy. Pain.

Pain replay's in my heart and mind, but now I thank God for that memory, that pain, that sorrow, those tears drop, not having a mother, not being there at the hospital for all eternity. Pain. I thank God that I still cry when I think about her, I thank God for the 'what do you remember about your mother' game, I thank God because I now know that in my pain, in my sorrow, in my memory I draw strength from the Lord.

Yes, I failed at school, 

Yes, I hated books,

Yes, I have no mother, 

Yes, I am stuck in mother issues of 1996,

Yes, I feel like I am going to die wat the hand of cancer like her,

Yes, I have built an empire pain and I am drowning in it,

Yes, I feel like the only person I need in my world is my mother,

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!

But I thank God because in my darkest room he becomes my light,

In my suicidal thoughts, he becomes my salvation,

In my pain, he becomes my Joy,

In him I find deliverance every day,

I Thank God that on the cross he said 'its finished' because he was talking about my memory.

I have learned, the only way to deal with your issues is actually go down to the root of the issue. For every tree, there is a root, for you to kill the tree, you need to kill the root. The root to everyone is in their past, and the tree to that root is in the mind and the fruit is the actions. You cannot deal the issues of the person by addressing his actions, rather you need to go through his mind to his past and understand why he does what he does and help the person.

 I sometimes find myself screaming for help from people through my actions by people do not notice, they question why I am busy and I exhaust myself, they question why I was addicted to sex and dating many girls, they question why I don't care what people say or do, they question why I value love and relationships, they question things they see from me and think it's not right. They will never sit down and ask who I am because who I am is a puzzle that is made up of my dark room (my past, present and soon will build up to my future). 

Replay pain, people will always judge me, maybe because I am black, my English is not that great, my so-called wisdom is not wise enough, my books may not be appealing to them, my articles are not for them, my dress code, my partner, my family, my finance/income, or maybe they may take advantage of my past and use it against me but replay pain (my dark room), has made me strong, strong enough to publish my book, strong enough to live 10 years without anyone supporting me, strong enough to take me to bible school and bring me back, strong enough to have passion for what I do and most of all strong enough to trust in God. 

Our replay pains or our past situations were not meant to harm us, instead, they were made to make us stronger. Paul the great Apostle who started many churches had a weakness, his weakness was simply his past, killing the saint, stoning them and taking them to jail. That propelled him and encouraged him to go and preached to people both Gentiles and Jews. Peter the Great was a Jew of Jews, he was a racist, remember Paul rebuked him once. He once believed that Jesus was only for the Jews but when he saw with his own eyes that Jesus is also for Gentiles and the rest of the world, he preached till death.

 Your pain was meant to make you stronger, yes it doesn't make sense now, but for me, it makes sense now, even after 20 years of that memory. The devil tried to trap you but since you now the truth like Job and the centurion who said speak a word Lord, believe and rise above your pain because your better than your father who used to abuse you, or was not even there, or any situation. 

My name is William Lehlohonolo Seitshiro and that is my story, and yes I am doing good, I am alright by the grace of God.